Dear American Airlines,
We all know it is silly to expect legroom, food, or even snacks
on long flights, but it was rather presumptuous of me to expect
that after spending only USD $1,070 on airfare I would be entitled
to a clean seat on your aircraft. Fortunately, when I notified your
helpful flight attendant that the previous occupant had smeared
sticky chocolate all over my chair, he rose above and beyond the
call of duty by thrusting a handful of paper towels and alcohol
wipes from the galley at me, courteously declaring, “You can
clean it off with this.”
As your cabin announcement indicates, you know I have my choice
of airlines. So I would like to say: thank you, American Airlines,
for offering me those wonderful paper towels completely free of
Dear Omaha Steaks,
Thank you for the envelope labeled “Your Gift Certificate
is Enclosed!” Unfortunately, you forgot to enclose a gift
certificate. I assume this is a simple clerical oversight.
Additionally, should I assume that I “could never on earth
get at any supermarket” steaks like yours because you fail to
list the USDA grade on any of your products?
Dear Violin Player Who Just Moved In Next Door,
Remember last year, after Fat Video Game Guy Sprawled Naked On
Bed moved in, when I decreed that, for the love of God, everyone
needs to keep their curtains drawn? Of course not—you
didn’t live here yet—but I take it back.
Or this spring, when Shouts At Sobbing Wife For Being So Stupid
moved in, and I decided that people in your building need to either
hurry up and get divorced or close their damn windows? You missed
that too, but I take it back.
I don’t know who you are, but the sound of your violin
echoing through the courtyard makes me happy. Keep practicing, and
keep that window open.
Dear Analog IC Designers,
I know you think it’s terribly clever to squeeze 20
features into an 8-pin package, but please—PLEASE!—stop
combining other functions (standby, shutdown, etc.) with the
inverting input pin. You probably think it’s totally cool if
the current flowing through my loop compensator briefly triggers
overvoltage protection at turn-on. But did you think that, because
of the clever way I’m using your chip, it prevents the damn
supply from coming up at cold temperatures? Of course you