Dear American Airlines,

We all know it is silly to expect legroom, food, or even snacks on long flights, but it was rather presumptuous of me to expect that after spending only USD $1,070 on airfare I would be entitled to a clean seat on your aircraft. Fortunately, when I notified your helpful flight attendant that the previous occupant had smeared sticky chocolate all over my chair, he rose above and beyond the call of duty by thrusting a handful of paper towels and alcohol wipes from the galley at me, courteously declaring, “You can clean it off with this.”

As your cabin announcement indicates, you know I have my choice of airlines. So I would like to say: thank you, American Airlines, for offering me those wonderful paper towels completely free of charge!

January 1, 2010 January 1, 2010 open-letters by Scott 5 Comments

Dear Omaha Steaks,

Thank you for the envelope labeled “Your Gift Certificate is Enclosed!” Unfortunately, you forgot to enclose a gift certificate. I assume this is a simple clerical oversight. Additionally, should I assume that I “could never on earth get at any supermarket” steaks like yours because you fail to list the USDA grade on any of your products?

January 1, 2010 January 1, 2010 open-letters by Scott 2 Comments

Dear Violin Player Who Just Moved In Next Door,

Remember last year, after Fat Video Game Guy Sprawled Naked On Bed moved in, when I decreed that, for the love of God, everyone needs to keep their curtains drawn? Of course not—you didn’t live here yet—but I take it back.

Or this spring, when Shouts At Sobbing Wife For Being So Stupid moved in, and I decided that people in your building need to either hurry up and get divorced or close their damn windows? You missed that too, but I take it back.

I don’t know who you are, but the sound of your violin echoing through the courtyard makes me happy. Keep practicing, and keep that window open.

September 5, 2009 September 5, 2009 open-letters by Scott 1 Comment

Dear Analog IC Designers,

I know you think it’s terribly clever to squeeze 20 features into an 8-pin package, but please—PLEASE!—stop combining other functions (standby, shutdown, etc.) with the inverting input pin. You probably think it’s totally cool if the current flowing through my loop compensator briefly triggers overvoltage protection at turn-on. But did you think that, because of the clever way I’m using your chip, it prevents the damn supply from coming up at cold temperatures? Of course you didn’t!

September 5, 2009 September 5, 2009 open-letters by Scott 3 Comments