As of today, two out of two pairs of Dock­ers “Stain Defender” pants I’ve owned have been destroyed by inex­plic­a­bly per­ma­nent grease stains. Almost every pair of pants I own has had a grease stain on it some­where, but only “Stain Defender” pants seem to lock it in and make it impos­si­ble to remove.

This, I’m sure, makes per­fect sense.

I called 1-800-DOCKERS, waited through a long, manda­tory com­mer­cial about their “lat­est styles,” and talked to a lady about this prob­lem. She’s never heard of it.

“Why don’t you look on the back of your laun­dry deter­gent bot­tle and see if they have a cus­tomer care num­ber? I’m sure—”

“Since it’s not a water-soluble stain, I don’t see how the deter­gent peo­ple are going to help. Would it be safe to try dry cleaning?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“My con­cern is the rub­ber thread sewn into the inside of the waistband.”

“That’s for hold­ing your shirt tight when you tuck it in.”

“I know that. I was con­cerned it might be dam­aged by perchloroethylene.”

“I see.”

Yet another enlight­en­ing customer-service conversation.